Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Verdict: uncircumcised.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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