just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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