Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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