she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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