I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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