im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Randomize
