Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize