i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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