i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
