You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I party with great urgency now.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
