just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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