So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
