There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
