I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
