JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My pussy is not your playground.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
