Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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