he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
