Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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