Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
