So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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