If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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