last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize