You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
