Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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