I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
