Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
