I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
