We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
