I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
