My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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