Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
