one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize