Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
