I looked at my own cervix.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
