He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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