how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
