No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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