If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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