it's too hot outside to masturbate.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
