Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
