I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
