I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
