I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Even my vagina gasped.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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