here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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