She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
She said her name was "party"
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
