I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
