stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
