I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
