Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Randomize
