My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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