tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
