True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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