I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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