Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
