It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize