Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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