I think I can smell my own vagina right now
sarcasm needs its own font
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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