$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
