He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
