dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
