i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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