where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
