Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
