i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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