So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
